The One About The Sign

Scanning the sea of judgemental glares and planned ignoring, I looked for one person to tell me with their eyes, “I get it”. I wasn’t this child’s parent, but I knew everything about him except what is on his mind. “My Little Guy” was Autistic.  In the four years that I’ve known him, he was set in his routine and I knew it well.

Sporadic vocalizations despite the environment, rocking back and forth, waving his arms, pacing… All that I enjoyed as he never failed to smile. He called me “Pa-Een” and often wanted to cuddle and watch his TV shows. He loved van rides and Finding Nemo. In the four years, I guarantee you, I am the one that found Nemo. Not his father, not Dori, but me. I am the true hero.

The passengers on the TTC didn’t know these things. I wish they did. Perhaps then, they wouldn’t wonder why “I” would subject him to a hectic environment as the TTC. Why “I” couldn’t pay for a cab or carry the child. “I”, the perceived parent of Asian decent of Palestinian child huh? Well, since we’re assuming and this IS Toronto, okay.

"People fail to understand the difficulties of redirecting behaviour in public for parents and caregivers of Autistic children."

People looked at me, probably wanting to ask, “What’s wrong with him”, in which I imagined that I would reply, “Nothing, what the fuck is wrong with you?”. I would emphasize the word FUCK in hopes that the inquisitive asshole would be embarrassed and feel the wrath of judgemental glares as I just experienced. At times, I felt unsafe. What if some irrational person decided I or My Little Guy deserved a good push for being “slow”. Then, of course, I had to resort to thinking of some self-defence moves I thought I knew. I knew none.

I sat him down in a busy train on a two-seater. I stood holding on for dear life and watched him smile and be fascinated by a moving train. “I’m in the train”, I imagine he thought so, and loved it. The woman in the window seat shuffled over, clutching her bags and glared at him for a few moments from the side of her eye without turning her head toward his direction. Perhaps she was scared she was going to catch Autism. Catch Autism like catching a cold? If Autism could be cured with Buckley’s, despite how nasty the taste is, maybe I’d give My Little Guy some Buckley’s, just so I can ask him millions of questions like, “Remember that time you got mad at me for insert scenario here, why did you get mad? What did I do”, or “Do you really like Pizza? Or would you rather Pizza over the repetitive menu at the group home?” and “Don’t you wish they had Finding Nemo 2? Because I do”.

In his little hands were little lumps of cotton. He loved cotton balls. He took them a part in little pieces and through them in the air. Something about cotton fascinated him. He called it “Fluff”. I had Fluff. One day, I’ll let him play in a bathtub full of Fluff. Fluff made him so happy.

The Catch Autism lady shuffled again and looked at the cotton in his hand. He flailed his arms slightly and she twitched. Relax lady, if anyone is to hit you in the face, it’s going to be me. Or Autism, because you’re going to catch it. That’s how you catch Autism, it slaps you in the face.

Our stop was coming up. “Time to get off of the train in one minute Little Guy”, I said.

Pre-planned warning of change of environment… Reminder in 30 seconds… Reminder in 10 seconds…Reminder of what is happening at the time it is happening… Praise for completing the process of what was happening after it happened…Calm voice…Don’t hold his hand too tight… Don’t talk too much… Less instructions…

The steps I needed to take after each transition ran like an index scroll over and over in my head. Every minute I’m with this child, my mind is going and going and going. I have to make sure he is okay. I have to avoid tantrums, it takes a toll on him physically and mentally. I have to smile and praise him for complying with changing environments. I have to see the judgement in people’s eyes. I have to deal the idea that they think My Little Guy is intruding. I have to assume that he knows none of this.

The above was what was going through my mind during a 15 minute train ride with a child who was not mine.  Although we had a bond, he was not my child. At the end of my shift, I could go home. Yet, I felt defensive and offended by TTC passengers that dared to judge My Little Guy. Imagine how a parent of an Autistic child feels, especially a parent with a young Autistic child who has only a few years of experience learning about Autism, their child and living with the constant and unwanted suggestions and advice of others.

Farida Peters and her son

Farida Peters, a Torontonian and a mother to a 5 year old Autistic boy decided to take matters into her own hands. She wears a sign on her backpack alerting TTC passengers, “My son is 5 years old and has autism. Please be patient with us”. The little boy, donned with a Minion toque and backpack walks hand-in-hand with his mother. Under the sign is the International Symbol of Access. For all you who are unfamiliar with this, and more familiar with “The blue handicap symbol thingy”:

People fail to understand the difficulties of redirecting behaviour in public for parents and caregivers of Autistic children. Peters received some backlash for her sign, as critics accuse her of labelling her child.

Hi Critics, hi… Okay, labelling is likely the last thing on Peters’ mind as she cares for her Autistic son and battles the judgemental stares, impatient sighs and people like the Catch Autism lady. What is the difference of this sign and the Access Parking Pass? You people are not okay with this sign, but okay with the ridiculous stick figure stickers on the back of minivans. You’re okay with “Baby on Board” signs… Shouldn’t drivers be cautious whether there is a baby on board or not. The sign serves has a warning to others, who fail to understand, who lack compassion, or who simply did not know. It’s education. Peters stated that all she wanted was safety and comfort. In the parenting world, safety and comfort at the two things parents want for their kids among others. Why is it NOT okay for Peters to ensure her child is safe? Parents buy safety devices to prevent their kids from getting in the toilet or cupboard or outlets. This is Peters’ safety device. And she made it.

Some people just need a big ass sign to put them in check.

Referenced Article: http://www.thestar.com/life/2015/02/20/toronto-mom-carries-sign-to-alert-strangers-about-sons-autism.html

Stop the Shut Down: Hamilton CAS Takes a Stand

With so many social service members being laid off, the ultimate price is paid by the children that depend on social services. Hamilton Children's Aid Society has endured many cut backs and are feeling the pull from insufficient provincial funding. 

Below is a message from their Facebook group:

Provoke Me and I'm Allowed To Call You A N*GGER.

I am writing this letter to inform you of the justification of racial slurs and derogatory speech that continuously exists in school today. Despite blood, sweat and tears dedicated to creating a safe space for all individuals regardless of their social markers, a school prinicpal at Montclair Public School in Oakville finds that provoking a student justifies a retaliation of derogatory terms.

This week, a black male student in the eigth grade asked a white female student in the same grade why she was in school just to disrupt the lesson. She responded by calling him a nigg*r.

Baby Mama vs. Baby Mother

Apparently, you can make a list of the difference between Baby Mama and Baby Mother.

I asked various fathers that have one or more children with one or more women what the difference between a baby mother and a baby mama is. Here are the results:


One father wrote that a baby mama gives you a headache with all her nagging and just wants your money. A baby mother "gets her own bread" and doesn't bother you. I'm sure some may disagree with this and I do realize that some women may fit this nagging-headache category. However, on the topic of money and child support, since 2004, missed child support payments have increased 2%-3% each year. In addition, approximately 66% of cases require payments of $400 or less. For one child, that barely covers daycare, food or rent for a month.

63% of Ontario child support cases still active are in compliance which is quite high compared to Northwest Territories at 54%. Quebec has the highest compliance rate at 72%. Living in Ontario, if you were one of the mothers in the 37% group, wouldn't you be nagging about money too?

How many fathers do you know that plan their child's birthday parties? Planning and family care are also seen as a feminized role, and with this mentality, a mother's responsibility at an increase with familial duties. A father of three wrote that he has never planned his children's birthday parties or family events. The mother of his children buys supplies, does the cooking, cleaning, books venues and is in charge of the guest list among various other duties. He admits that he should take part more often but "just never has".

Some men tend to think that child care is primarily a woman's job. One father replied that he doesn't have to contribute to any familial responsibilities because the mother is responsible for that. She's "naturally" good at it.
Let me remind you that nurturing and caring of children is not a woman's "biological" trait. Parenting is a social skill and your biological make up is not an excuse to exclude yourself from parental responsibilities.

In addition to the responses I received, a one to one conversation with a father of a seven year old daughter and a 5 year old son was interesting. He believed that there isn't a difference between baby mama and baby mother.

"I guarantee you that the men labelling mothers as such and such don't have a good relationship with the kids... I mean not like the mother does.  I mean, they're proud fathers but... you know. And I bet you they've missed out on their kids more than they've been there. I bet you that those [men] with a baby mama as opposed to a baby mother doesn't help out as much as he could and makes stupid mistakes and stupid excuses. I bet you he puts himself first. My father was in my life for a total of probably 6 months. He wasn't there when I was born, he was out at his friend's party or something. I'm 33 years old now and I have two little ones. My daughter's mom and I have a shitty relationship but when it comes to the kids we're cool. Me and their mom just don't talk, you know? Only about the kids, which is cool because we keep it civil for them. She works and I work and we're fine splitting everything evenly, as best as possible. We have a set schedule and I don't f*ck up that schedule because I wanna go out with friends or something.
He [dad] used to call my mom a nagging b*tch. My mom worked 2 jobs back to back for 14 years. She never asked him for a penny and never did anything that would be seen as nagging. The only time I remember her getting mad at him was when he would miss birthdays. But in his eyes, she's a baby mama".

Men see baby mama drama as a woman's problem. They believe that she is being irrational with her claims and her premises are discounted to nagging and overreacting. Can all of these men truly say that what they say and what they do are consistent? Can they say that they spend time with their children close to the amount of time that the mother does? Can they say that they have been responsible parents?

No doubt there are women out there that have lied about pregnancy, who the father is, and have used their child to cling on to a man. We don't need Maury to know that. Despite what you may believe, there are great fathers out there that puts himself aside just as he expects the mother to, for the sake of their children. Yet, regardless of the marital status of both parents, in the end, their actions impact their children and how they will see parenting in the future. The children's concept of family and parenting are moulded by their own parents and living situations. To break that idea of what a parent's responsibility is is hard to break once they've lived it.

Another father wrote that a baby mama doesn't take care of her children and only gets things for herself like new clothes, mani/pedi etc. A baby mother has a job, puts her children first and finds time for them.
What I don't understand about this particular father is that he does not have a job and spends less than 4 hours a week with his children. Yet, he feels completely comfortable with his responses and justifies his lack of providing a father figure with a shrug and some alpha male remarks. The mother of his children works 8-10 hour days at a hospital and she has them in daycare because he has not contributed to either watching the children or for daycare payments.  I'll just leave you to think about that for a second...

So this must mean there is a difference between a baby daddy and baby father too? How many baby fathers do you know?

Teach the Teacher

For all of you parents out there concerned about your child's education...

I'm not a parent, but I'm a caregiver. I think that being parents, you're worried about so much and rely on educators, doctors and talk show hosts to tell you how to raise your child. How about telling your child how they will be educated?

Not About The Damn Skittles

After the verdict on George Zimmerman was revealed, the world, the people and the media took to social networks to vent.

All I saw was a lot of anger and a lot of people misinformed about what it means to be a person of colour. I saw many people claim that the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman case was NOT about race.

What the hell was it about then? Skittles?

Negotiating Biculturalism

“How much is the parrot?” a woman asked.“Wow, ma’am,” uttered the owner, “this is a very expensive parrot, because he speaks both Spanish and English.”

“Oh really?

Can you get him to speak in both languages?”

“Sure you can. Look, it’s quite simple:

If you pull the left leg he speaks English.” And he pulled the parrot’s left leg. “Good

morning,” said the bird. “And if you pull the right leg like this, he speaks Spanish.”

And the parrot said: “Buenos Dias!”

At which point the woman asked: “What happens if you pull both of his legs, will he speak Tex-Mex?” “Noooo,” answered the parrot, “I will fall on my ass.”

When Am I Ever Going To Use y=mx+b????

As a part of my volunteer job with CAS, I tutor a couple of foster kids and I have been for the past year. Every week I visit them and tutor them in mainly math, but in other subjects as well.
I now have 15 students, 13 of which I am paid as a private tutor and the 2 foster kids I mentioned.

My students are from grade 1 through 11 and all of them have trouble with/need a little extra help in math.

One of my grade 11 students and I were working on her math homework one day and she grew frustrated after a few questions.
She asked me when in "the hell" is she ever going to use "y=mx+b" (linear equation... for those that don't know, it's the equation you learn through high school ... the unit where you find midpoints of a line, the x and y intercepts etc... Have I lost you?).

Anyway, I get what she is saying. We don't always use all of what we learned in math. You may think math was pointless because the field you are in now career-wise depends on everything but linear and quadratic equations.

But what she didn't seem to understand was that what she is studying in math now is just a more advanced level of all of her accumulated knowledge in math over the years.

She is able to learn now because she has the knowledge of the basic concepts she has learned since the first grade. She has little interest in this fact. She has more interest in how much money I make tutoring because she sees her mom pay me every week. She also knows I tutor her neighbours and friends and have 15 students. She knows I get paid cash. She can add cash and coins VERY quickly. She's 16, and to her, seen cash is a big deal.

I asked her then, what was the point of her reading Charlotte's Web back in elementary school? Is she ever going to live as a pig and have a spider friend? Of course, being a 16 year old, she rolled her eyes and carried on doodling in the margins of her lined paper.

She then looked at me with a grin like she has an advantage in our little debate and said, "You work in a daycare right? And a group home? When was the last time YOOOOU used y=mx+b?"

Me: "Today".

What Would Oprah Do?

Can we please cut the damn binary of woman as the body and man as the mind?---i.e. "Think like a man. Act like a lady?.

Why perform like a woman on the outside and think like the "innovative" and "rational" man in your mind? 
Why is rational, innovation, logical, technological and intelligence all masculine traits?

Why is it that the performance of manners, etiquette, positivity, acceptance and sensitivity all applauded and awarded and done the best by women? ... It's not. 

It's done by right-minded people who have a damn sense. Women are innovative and logical and rational. But to certain men, we are not? 

Perhaps we aren't rational and logical to those SPECIFIC men who help create children and easily walk away? Perhaps we're not intelligent because we raise our fatherless sons and daughters alone, endure the infidelity, the abuse and sexual degradation? The victim blaming?

Oprah tells women do act and think like a woman---an intelligent, rational, innovative, sensitive, positive, inclusive woman. Some of you might think that she is blaming women for enabling men's maladaptive and frankly, "fuck up" sort of behaviour. However, she's not. She's not blaming women for men's behaviours, but encouraging a stand against it. Don't let them do what they do.  

She speaks of compromise and individuality. A man is not an accessory, but he is not the 
entire relationship either.

There are good men out there... although you may think it's rare. But wouldn't you rather spend your time on that good man WHILE be sure of your own individuality than to waste it on some fuck up who doesn't know who he is?



Read on.

______________


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. 
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE
individuals. Look for someone complimentary...
not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says... You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one. They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts... ❤

2013: Happy New Year!

I look forward to starting off 2013 with a nice clean slate... as I did in 2012, 2011 and DEFINITELY 2010. 

This clean slate I'm talking about doesn't mean I erase everything from the past. I realize this now.

It is an addition to the clean slates I had collected from years back. I just keep stacking them. Why?

If you start with a clean slate every year, you're left with nothing but replaceable, disposable and temporary (365 days) worth of events, memories and lives. If these important things are easily replaced, then why did you spend all year with them?

My clean slate isn't that way. It's more of an addition to the positivity... the laughs.

For a lot of people, 2012 was rough. I know these people and these are good people with good intentions and big hearts. They see the new year as not just a place to restart, but to rebuild. 

My good friend had a rough year this year. Although I don't know the details of this part of his life, I feel as though he will get through it. He has a positive outlook on life and seems like the type of person to find peace within himself to overcome life's obstacles. This is an important aspect--- to be at peace.

In 2012 I met some amazing people that made me laugh, cry (happy tears) and tell bad stories when I was intoxicated. I shared great food with them, had intelligent conversations. I met their families and children and they were so welcoming I felt I played an important role in their lives. I reconnected with people and I let go of some that I felt were idling in my life but there were no hard feelings. I stood up for myself and for those who could not. I got my degree, I'm starting a business and it seems there are an endless amount of things I need to get done that I'm excited for this year.

I'm sure that I've done wrong as well. I've let others down, gave up on them for my own advantage and had to lets them be. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes not so much!

Many people are doing the 2012 in review... and it's a lot of negativity. If you have to let people go, then do it. But don't wish them pain and suffering. That's not letting it go, that's dwelling on ill feelings.

My 2012 in review: Two thumbs up. I hope to double this in the following year and many after that. I hope to share my experiences with all of you. For those that are a part of my life, I appreciate all that you have done to keep me happy. I will be sure to do the same.

Happy New Year Everyone!

xoxo